I come to you today, attempting to be honest, sincere, real............ I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, a mess. I love my family, friends, and church. However, I spend my life focusing on my failings....my shortcommings....the ways that I wish I could be more like someone else. I could blame it on the way I was raised, or the church I grew up in....or even the church I recently came out of (1 1/2 yrs ago), but....if I do that, I give those situations power over me and I no longer want to do that.
I have goals...........goals for me, for my children, for my husband......but I have to ask myself....are these the goals God has for us, or the goals I have set in MY mind....I think, If I'm being honest, the latter is true. I have always tried to be "all things to SOME people" while letting the truly important things/people fall by the wayside.......
"The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her............."
I make sure my husband's lunch is made for work. I do my best to ensure that he has a hearty meal to come home to. Well, that's not even true all the time, I don't really do "my best" to make sure he has a meal, I just "do it"...I do it because...."I'm supposed to". I know the things that make my husband happy, but I find it difficult to do some of them.....I understand that it's not my job to be my husband's slave or door mat, nor does he expect that......But, as his wife, I am supposed to (and the "spirit" part of me wants to) WANT to be a help...a joy....pleasing...to my husband (yes, I know it goes both ways), however.....excuses and situations aside...I find myself choosing the easy things, the bare minimum, in order to "get by" while doing the things that I want to do or find important.
"She looketh well to the ways of her household and eateth not the bread of Idleness"
Things I seem to place as important: Keeping up with friends (facebook), checking emails, researching homeschool stuff (while not ever using most of what I find), watching movies with the kids, my 5k training, Bible Reading (not prayer....sadly).
"Her children rise up, and call her blessed. Her husband also, and he praiseth her"
I am not attempting to focus on my failings here, only to accept my choices and to choose to do better....If I'm to continue being honest....here is where I say, my children deserve my heart, not just my actions...my husband as well. They are not getting what they are supposed to from me. I say this not to attack myself, but to admit that recently, in many forms ( preaching, christian radio, magazine articles...devotions, Bible reading, blogs and vlogs..TONS!) the Lord has been working in me to realize that I am to do "whatsoever" I do "heartily as unto the Lord". Would I do things for the Lord the way I do them in my home? That is the big question......and the answer is NO! I would not want the Lord to have to wait for an answer to a question until I finished answering a facebook notification.....I wouldn't tell the Lord "not to bug me while I'm on my daily run". If the Lord needed to spend time with me...not just wanted, but needed me, as both my husband and children sometimes do....I wouldn't ferociously guard my "me time" with a closed heart. If the Lord needed help with something...would I ask one of my daughters to go do it for me?
"Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates."
These are just some of the things He has been revealing to me, not because he hates me, but because I have ASKED Him to work on me, to clean me out of "my things" and fill me with "His things" I have been getting tidbits at a time from Him....I think because He knew that getting all of this at once would shock me. The culminating factor which finally gave His plan of action came last night in church when my pastor preached a message titled: "What You Put in Your Well is Gonna Come up in Your Bucket". I think the title says it all!
The Lord has been putting this phrase in my mind continually: "....in her tounge is the law of kindness" I can NOT say that has been true, HOWEVER.....now that I've been honest about how I HAVE been...I can be honest about how I WANT to be! I want that phrase to ring true! I would like to fill my "well" with kindness, so that when I open my mouth, "my bucket" EXUDES kindness.....not because "I'm supposed to" but because I truly LOVE the Lord and this is what I WANT to do! Who I want to be IN HIM....
There are little steps of change within this that He has given me, although I will not bore you with them....and some of them are private...between God and me. But, as I draw closer to Him and what he has for me/my home. He is drawing closer to me....He never left! His presence is what I long for....
Getting up in the mornings has been a struggle...but it's just one of the things I've been trying to do as part of this growth process. That doesn't mean I do it all the time, and sometimes, I'm up at 5 to make hubby's lunch, I do my devotions......and go back to sleep for a bit!
Today, and in the future, I'd like to share a step or two I'm making toward "filling my bucket".
1. I deactivated my Facebook.....not for good, just during the week....I'm not looking for extremism, just balance, and, for now, Facebook is not lending itself toward "balance" throughout the week.
2. I'm placing prayer high up on my importance list!
I feel so hopeful today, and if I "mess up" (which I'm sure I will...im HUMAN) I'll feel hopefull again tomorrow...."His mercies are new every day" !!!!!